It all started with a pen, a green hat, and a dream - a green-hatted pen with big dreams and no arms - just a boy named Jermajesty "Frank" Shasta-Diesel. Here he is, the BoardRoomWarrior, in his natural environment. Wheelin', dealin', schemin' and rulin' his subjects with an iron...head. If he had fists, they'd be iron too.


The picture below is Jermajesty's domain- where the magic happens. I don't know how to put this, but Jermajesty is kind of a big deal. People know him. He's very important, he has many leather-bound books, and his boardroom smells of rich mahogany.


Can you smell it? Mmmmmmahogany. Or whatever wood that table is made out of.


Jermajesty wanted me to tell all the ladies out there that he loves America, fuck yeah. Hence the flag (displayed behind him) that he carries with him everywhere. I don't know how he carries a giant flag without actual arms or hands, but see...that's the great thing about Jermajesty. He doesn't blame the world for his problems. Sure, life dealt him a raw hand, or lack of hand, but has he let that stop him? No. Jermajesty is not part of the Cult of Victimhood. Take the picture below, for example:


J. needed to make a call to the President of Durkidurkistan. Here he sits, contemplating the mechanics of lifting the heavy receiver without appendages. Is he going to wallow in self-pity, blaming a world of handy people and telephones made for people with fingers? Is he going to shake his nonexistent fist at a world of people and pens with hands, at the people and pens who make him feel inadequate and "less than?"



Haha, silly person, you don't know Mr. Shasta-Diesel very well. Using his enormous package (not pictured, but trust me, he's packing) he knocked the receiver off the phone base and dialed Durkidurkistan with his nose. Because Jermajesty is a REAL pen. Real pens don't have to possess hands. Real pens have curves, no hands, and green hats. Real pens enjoy life and eat dessert.

Of course, even Jermajesty has to work with incompetent people, like the woman who doesn't work so much as she doodles pictures of her dog all day. Don't believe me?
I told you. Dog doodles. Jermajesty is firing DollyDoodles tomorrow.

Now enough of Jermajesty and his career - I just mention it because future contestants in the Jermajesty Dating Game need to realize that he's what the ladies like to call a "catch." He's the Donald Trump of the pen world. Minus the dead weasel on his head.

Here at Jermajesty Headquarters, we've received quite a few submissions requesting dates, so let's get right to the contestants. Contestant #1 comes from Canada and Larocque and Roll:



Meet Gretchen. Gretchen loves music, especially vintage Manilow and mullet-ed 80's Michael Bolton. Gretchen's witty and urbane, likes wine (*cough* slutty lush *cough*), and look at the size of her...candle. Big.

Do you think it was a coincidence that she took her picture in the kitchen? No my friend, she left nothing to chance. She wants Jermajesty to know that she has pasta and she knows how to use it, the gluten-y trollop. Two different kinds of pasta. Oh, she's open to experimentation, the hussy. She is slim and metallic and mysteriously lit from within, and she comes with her own rechargable base. But you know, Michael BOLTON.

Contestant #2 is Cindy. If that's her real name. And I have my suspicions that it's not. Cindy comes from MartiniGirl, who no longer has a site I can pimp, but trust me - it was good.



Whatcha lookin' at over there, hmmmm? Got a wandering eye, Miss Cindy? We're not fooled by those "I'm just an innocent, young virgin" pigtails. You look shifty. But you're forgiven, because look at that set of...pom poms. Pom poms for hands, pom poms for feet, pom poms in the hair...pom freakin' POMS, baby. And Cindy looks...bendy. Flex-y. S-t-r-e-t-c-h-y. Which totally makes up for Cindy's lack of opposable, gripping thumbs. And who is the handless Jermajesty to judge pom pom hands, anyway?



Well, well, WELL! Cindy isn't so innocent after all. Her pink crocheted legs say, "I'm a good girl," but her eyes say, "Come here big boy, your naughty cheerleader is ready to play with your spirit stick."

Whoa.



Pretense of innocence? Over. Ride that tree, Cindy. Ride it hard. Jermajesty is imagining himself as that stem, and he likes it. He likes it a lot.

Here is Contestant #3, which comes to us from Dylan, who used to have a cat blogging site but had to give it up because, you know - lots of pressure.



Now, where to begin... is that the world's largest cat, or the world's smallest blowup doll? Is Dylan in fact a munchkin, or does he live on a planet where cats grow to the size of grown men? No matter, Jermajesty likes what he sees. BlowUpBetty has boobs like yeah. Boobs. They look a little pointy, but still fun. Betty appears to be into "the alternative lifestyle," which everyone knows means KINKY! And her feet are fucked the hell up, and Jermajesty likes fucked up feet (he likes me!).

Kitty looks guilty in that picture. She's all, "I'm a giant cat with a penchant for pleather and sharp boobies and hands with healthy grips, and I'm about to fuck this doll UP."

Remember Glitzy's Cowboy Princess Anabella from Pancake Land? It seems she's escaped the evil Captain Crane, and she's a little desperate for some Diesel Love.



Here we can see that she's purchased a love shack with which to win Jermajesty's penis. She still has that pancake on her head, but she's making the begging hands, so Jermajesty knows he's going to get him some. Anabella screams "easy lay."



The Pancake Princess will do anything to win a date with Jermajesty. Will a monkey sweeten the deal? One giant monkey coming up. One giant monkey with a ROCKIN' fro. And a vest. And hands.



Ooops... how did this get in here? This picture isn't for Jermajesty. This is um...mine. Come to Mommy, French Rugby player. Come to Mommy. You've won a date with THL. Bring your friend.

Here is Contestant #5, Lulu the Love Monkey, who comes from Anonymous Reader.


You might be noticing the opposable thumbs (good for hand jobs!) or how Lulu amply fills out her tutu, but I instantly noticed something else. Do you see it?



Yeah...that's a new one. A floating nail clipper? What is Lulu the Love Monkey trying to say, exactly? Is she going to use the nail clipper in their love play? Is she threatening Jermajesty with castration by nail clipper if he doesn't pick her? The nail clipper doesn't really jibe with that halo Lulu Love Monkey is wearing. And doesn't LTLM's face just seem kind of...shady? Sort of all "Someday I'll turn into a Single White Female and try to take over some other woman's identity?" Maybe that's just me.