People are really pushing the hell fuck out of my buttons today. 

1. Someone brought a yippy dog into work. I love dogs but the constant yipping is wearing at my soul. Yippy dogs could be used for torturing people. Don't waterboard terrorists, yippydogboard them. Just dunk their heads in a vat of little barking dogs.

2. No one listened to me when I said something was going to be a problem and now it is a bigass assbig problem. For me, basically and mostly and pretty much only. Mmmm...yay!

3. Two douches that constantly harass me decided to come in on the same day. Yeah double-team harassments! So amazing. So fun for me.

4. I ate all the orange and yellow Starbursts. AND WHY DID I DO THAT. I still have Smarties but I think the sugar is eating away the roof of my mouth and I should probably stop with those. I guess this isn't a people problem as much as it is a candy problem. Unless we count "me" as the problem and we won't be doing that unless we (you) want swift punches to the jaw.
This probably arouses Communists.

5. Want to hear my idea for the book I'm writing? It's going to be called "Adventures in Sexual Harassment: What Assbags Think Is OK to Say to a Woman That Sits at a Desk". Here are just a few of the gems you will read:

a. "I'd like to paint your pumpkins!" (ostensibly because I was wearing an orange t-shirt and BOOBIES LOOK LIKE PUMPKINS TEEHEE).

b. "I wish I had your job, you just sit there!" Yeah it's so weird how I was so dumb I had to get a Master's degree in SITTING. How do I buckle my belt in the morning? I probably have help. Yet it's so cool that they pay me just to sit here. I'm must be the bestest sitter in all the land.

c."Work work work work work work HELLO BOYS have a good night's rest, I missed you!" Which made no sense to me until someone told me about Blazing Saddles.

Besides all of that, everything is jolly with me. I watched the movie Splice this past weekend solely because of this hilarious review and let me tell you jaw + floor until the end of time for days, Adrien Brody, FOR DAYS it was horrible.

The creature they spliced together was called Dren and looked like this:

U KNOW HOW SEXY TEENS CAN BE!

The ending clearly left things open for a sequel, so I turned to Mr. Smith and said, "Next up, SPLICE 2, THE SPLICENING," and he goes, in a Super Mario voice, "That is one SPLICEY meatball!" and I died and simultaneously pictured a Splice-y meatball in my head.
"I AM NOT A DOUGHNUT."

Those are supposed to be wings coming out of my SUPERMEATDREN but I'm sure you think she has some spaghetti stuck to her arms or whatever. Whatever man. They're fucking wings. Fucking menacing ones.

Labels: sexual harassment is cool, splicey meatball, supermeatdren