Favourite things said or written to me lately:

• You're funny, for a librarian.
• You're quite eloquent but also sadly an idiot.
• My husband and I have a list of people were allowed to have sex with and you're on both of our lists.

It's true, librarians are not known to be jesters in the court of the king. I used to be funnier before I became a librarian but little know fact: When you graduate with your MLIS degree and they issue you a hair bun, your prim cardigan, your eye glasses on a chain, and your shushing finger of judgement, they make you turn in your sense of humour and also your will to live.

I am, sadly, an idiot. I've done so many foolish things I can't begin to argue with that one. I once ate a corn and mayonnaise sandwich on gluten-free bread for god's sake. My latest idiocy involves breaking my foot in two places by simply running at the gym. But I got Vicodin for my troubles so it was all worth it. After this foot heals I'm looking into lesser-needed bones I could break.

My coworker, she of the 1980s stirrup pants and the sellotaping together of cigarettes, she of the incessant carrot crunching and the wearing of her husband's letterman jacket from high school even though she is age 48, is the person who informed me of my status as "OK To Fuck" on her Cheating Exception List. After I shot myself with a snubnosed .38 I keep in my desk for just such an occasion, I smiled wanly at her and prayed for a Harry Potter invisibility cloak for my escape.

Today I had a conversation that involved the phrase "ample amounts of semen" and for once I wasn't the one saying it. I can't really tell you what the conversation was about, mostly because I wasn't listening and only thought that's what my coworker said. It was actually not what he said at all, which led to an interesting Three's Company-style misunderstanding.

I find it hard not to laugh when a man puts on Chapstick.

Labels: eloquent idiot, funny for a librarian, ok to fuck, random shit because it's Friday